I am not a Good Daughter

On March 2016 my father passed away..

He was 74 y.o.. already very old.. but still I am not ready to face the fact that my father is leaving me forever..

Since I was a child, my father really cared and loved me so much.. but he has a very bad habit, he used to smoking inside the house. 

I often get cough because of him.. and I was very upset to him.. he never listened to me even I already begging to him to stop smoking inside the house, I did not ask him to stop smoking, just please not do it at home...

But I did not realize that there was something wrong on my father brain.

Suddenly the way he walked was changing, he walked like a robot. He could not walk fast as he did before. Because of that he could not go to toilet very fast, and he pee in a room not toilet.. my mom would clean the floor because of him around 6 or more times a day..

that condition made us very tired. I bought a pee spot for him, but he refused to use it.. I got very angry.. I always angry to the man who loves me so much.. I do not know why I treated my father that bad..

Then one day, me and mother took him to doctor, doctor said that we need to bring him to bog hospital to get Ci-ti scan. But the free hospital is very far from our home, if we use private hospital the fee will be very expensive.. I have money in my saving but I did not use it... how bad I am as a child...

A month later, my father collapse.. he fell.. when we finally took him to hospital, it was too late.. his blood vessel on the brain burst.. doctor do some surgery but after the surgery done, my father never wake up and a week later he died..

I still feel very guilty until now.. as a muslim I should believe that our age has been decided by God. We cannot control our death.. every one will die, with different situation..

Papa.. when you were still wake up but on the critical situation, I could not say I am sorry because I was too shame to say that.. I thought that I was not deserve for your forgiveness..

Papa.. I love you really love you a lot...

I still cry when I think about you, as well as Mama.. I could not cry at home, because Mama will get hurt if she see my cry..

Papa.. I am not a good daughter... so sorry Papa..